Darcy takes the 21st Open!

 The 2026 Open. 

As the Americans were bombing the shit out of Iran, we bombed the shit out of some of the central north island’s most pristine courses. And adjoining shitters. Severely hobbled by the unavailability of the majority of the OG golfers, 8 persevered. And there was a worthy winner. Darcy scooped it by being the golfer with the best staying power. And the most points. He clearly operates very well on very little sleep, multiple saunas, and long trousers. He banked a ridiculous amount of early points on Friday (40 fucking 3) but then came out and stormed Wairakei on the back of 2 hour’s Kip. Despite considering scratching a week earlier, Adi returned from heart surgery and mounted a stabie-fuelled charge that must’ve got his surgeons, and Darce, worried. 21 handicap? My fucking arse. 

Scotty was in the final group on Sunday and came in hot after a win at the G8. Sadly I wasted ten bucks backing him on the Lord’s day, and he was swept aside by the duelling cousins. Jimmy Moore offered very little apart from booming burps that reverberated around the beautifully manicured grounds and startled deer. 

In the first group, no one threatened. The takehe at Wairakei looked nervously at my coke-riddled Sunday swing, and for good reason. When you can barely hit a ball, endangered birds have never been more at risk. A solid 23 stabies secured me the Dildo Baggins award. Bob pushed me hard, but ultimately I had my big fat hands on the big fat award. Let’s not mention the controversial ‘clean and place out of a stream’, it’s mine. ‘Cough’

Mitch didn’t fair much better. 24 points on Day 3. In mine and his defence, watching Wonky and Bob share a cart was very distracting and frustrating. The Odd Couple weaved their way around the course, parking in all the wrong places, forgetting clubs, and doing a terrible keystone cops rendition. Cunts. 

And staying in cart related chat, ‘Cart Gate’ certainly brought an odorous stink to the final day. One of the workers in the pro shop decided he was going to play a blinder. He gets an award for being the most confusing cunt ever. And earning the obvious title of ‘Cart Cunt’. He did a terrible job at explaining to everyone that Adi couldn’t ride alone in a cart. Countless chats and lots of aggro later it turned out Adi and Scott could share a cart. A revelation that rendered all the previous chat unnecessary and irrelevant. Not what one needs before a chilled $290 golf round. 

But overall it was a great outing. Thanks to everyone for coming, of course we missed all you guys who couldn’t make it, but we got a very worthy winner. Darcy certainly has his arms full with both fucking trophies. Greedy cunt. Get out there and practice or we’ll have to hobble him. 

Some awards:

The ‘Playing Possum Award’ goes to Adi for convincing us he was on death’s door. Spoiler, he wasn’t. 

The ‘Stimp Meter Mangler’ goes to Wonky for his efforts to ruin greens while repairing them. 

The ‘Party Pig’ award goes to James Moore for missing Friday’s round so he could do his bit for Colombia’s economy. 

And finally the ‘Most likely to be eaten’ award goes to me and my neck. Still have multiple welts from the barrage of midges at Kinloch. Also, $400, fuck off. 

Cheers, chaps.

Ben

Postscript.

Never in the history of golf has an unscheduled Shituation just before tee-off been useful to anyone's campaign. As I sat entombed in the Auschwitz of ass-movements panicking, it crossed my mind that rushing back to the teebox could genuinely have resulted in the first ever on course pants shitting. This is not ideal prep. 

Having escaped the shitter unstained I hastened to the teebox in a panic. Four mega Karens eyeballed me upon arrival. Thankfully Scotty, a man unperturbed by the situation was waiting for me. I then proceeded to hit 6 bunker shots on the first 3 holes….

Adi

Least controversial golfer in the history of the Open takes this years tourney at the home of Golf in New Zealand

Adi, possibly the most reasonable golfer with the most honest handicap ever seen at a tournament quietly went about his business to take this years Open played in the Otago region. Early pace setter Shane Rush, a seaweed sprayer from Waihi found the going tough at Balmacewen and fell to a 23 stabie disaster which saw Mitch Young, an Australian chicken breeder from Whangapoua come home in 2nd. 

Adi described this year's tourney as the best organised tourney he has participated in. Having organised many other tourney's he had obviously set himself a high bar and it is tribute to his character and reasonableness to have managed to do it again so well. Tiring of the burden of organisation he heeded the words of Peter Tai, an activity usually reserved for drunks and special needs homeless people, to declare the winner of the tourney to be next years organiser. 

As the North Island and rest of South Island suffered from the apocalyptic fury of the atmospheric river, 11 made the trip to Dunners to kick things off at St Clair. In beautiful blue skies Marty, Shane and Mitch went rogue and dropped 38 stabies to make a serious step towards potential victory.

Day 2 saw the boys travel to Roxburgh. Some of us travelled with Man-babies who complained the entire way there, others were more fortunate. Roxburgh was fucking amazing and Adi and Shane lead the day with 37 points each. James was nearly assassinated on the tee box and his 20 stabies tells you all you need to know about golf and near death experiences.

Day 3 commenced with a pro-shop shambles and massively red faced and hungover old mate arrived late and shabby to get us away. With probably 8 players still in contention things were tight after 9 holes at the course that bills itself the home of golf in NZ. Ultimately wheels fell off campaigns and a tidy 30 from Adi was enough to get him over the line for his first ever Open victory in 20 years of attempts.

Wall of Shame

The Nancy Kerrigan award for trying to fuck up your group by telling them to 'fuck off cunt' every time they ask whether they can get an opinion on a dodgy lie etc goes to the Gremlin of the north - Pete

The Philip Morris award for making non-smoking accommodation smell like a ashtray goes to Marty and Pete.

The Dildo Baggins award for shitness of golf goes to James Moore

The 2 cans and a long piece of string communication award for shitness of comms goes to Parko

The winner winner chicken dinner goes to Adi

Thanks boys, was a ripper and looking forward to defending things nek year.

Gay(ish) guy takes the 2024 Open!

In a first for the event, an openly straight man pretending to be gay has prevailed.

In a result hailed by the rainbow community everywhere, Graeme Clarke (she/them) a part-time golfer and occasional obnoxious gay diner has stormed to victory at the Wellington iteration of golfs most open tourney.

In an age where diversity is everything, Graeme was quoted as saying “it felt inevitable that a man from the ‘straight men pretending to be gay community’ would lift the trophy eventually, this is a great day to pretend to be gay and help remove the stigma from this oft marginalised community of pretend gay guys”.

In a powerful demonstration of shit golf, Long Ball Jim Hall demonstrated a relentless inability to know where his ball actually went as he went full Dildo Baggins at Miramar. Darcy, the OG of shite golf hailed Jim for his lack of performance.

Wall of Shame

- The Michelin award for being a cunt at dinner award goes to Graeme

- The Emirates award for getting thrown out of the Business Class bar at 40000 feet goes to Parko

- The I’ve got a sore throat and you cunts better not forget it award goes to Adi

- The is that a chick clinging to you as they try and throw her out of a bar in Courtney Place award goes to the Fuhrer

- The Dildo Baggins award goes to Jim Hall

- The outstanding golf award goes to Graeme

Well organised Mitch, your ability to ignore the whiney cunts is epic.

Welcome to those of you who were playing their first Open, Jamie, James and Jim

NB: 2025 Open is in Dunedin. 3 rounds (best 2 count, must include Sunday).

Mitch takes the 2023 Open to become the only Australian to ever win the tourney...

 You could be forgiven for thinking that a golf game broke out at a drug weekend because that appears to be what happened at this years Open. If the commitment to golf had matched the vigour in which minds were addled by class A drugs, this years tourney would have been a stabie fest. To everyone's surprise, drugs, sleep deprivation and fatigue do not equate to amazing golf scores. This is an epiphany only to us.

Saturday was a great round of golf at The Pines, a hidden gem of a course with one of the best clubhouse views in the country. The weather gods shone on us and Wonkie won the day with a terrific 38 stables to head into Sunday in good shape. Spid, Parko and Mitch made up the rest of the leader board in genuine contention on Day 2. 

However it was Queenslands finest who took the honours, never have so many points been scored by a man who refuses to use his own fairway. Well done mate, your commitment to getting fucked up off the course whilst maintaining the ability to perform on course is admirable. 

The Wall of Open shame.

The Drugs are Bad mmkay award for shambolic Saturday night behaviour is shared this year between everyone.

The what the fuck just happened award for restauranteurs wondering just exactly what the fuck just happened in their establishment goes to the Quay. Their tolerance for our special needs was exceptional.

The its 7.30pm on a Saturday night and I'm already toasted in the membrane award goes to Mitch and Graeme.

Best golfer award goes to Mitch, well one bro, outstanding.

Dildo Baggins award for the shittest of shit performances goes to ... Adi. 5 points on the back nine at Waipu was fucking diabolical.

Great weekend boys, that was our 18th Open and I reckon the best yet.

Extreme upset at the 2022 Open!

Stephen McWilliams, aka Sickman, has ambushed the Open in an orgy of stabies at Tieke.

Coming in cold, the Labour Party activist hoovered up stabies in a performance that belied his dizzying 38 course handicap. Mitch came runner up shooting a solid 79 combined points. Keith had a mare and is the 2022 Dildo Baggins and shittest golfer in the field.

More to come.

Shane and Pete share 1st place at the 2021 Open!

A pair of Nambassadors have taken the Open in difficult conditions at Lakeview and Walton. Scoring proved so difficult that the winning duo took the tournament on an all time low of 67 stabies!

Saturday saw the boys kickoff at Lakeview in rainy conditions that progressively turned to mega rain, Noahs Ark levels of rain. Gash golf abounded as conditions made swinging a club difficult and putting impossible.

Post round the boys retreated to dry out before heading to dinner. No one was controversial and everyone well behaved. It was weird. Possibly the lack of an accommodation home base had a calming effect on everyone, we’ll never know.

Sunday the weather was better and everyone enjoyed a decent round at Walton. In the end the Pete and Shane were equal first, Darcy came in 2nd and Adi 3rd.

Great tourney and mega thanks to Darcy for organising things. Also welcome to the first timers!

Wall of shame

Dave Parkinson award for not turning up because he got the date wrong (yeah right) goes to Dave Parkinson.

Dildo Baggins award for shit golf goes to Ben Pegler.

The Marty award for talking through his own shot goes to Marty.

The complete lack of controversy award goes to everyone else....

The OPEN 2021